It is September 18 and my Mother gave me the best birthday present today.
A comment, something that she probably hadn’t thought of since that day 46 years ago. “It was so hot” she said. “It was?” I answered, weather on my birthdays runs from pool party temps to flurries… “Well, the room was. I was in the room with the girl who had just lost her baby, they had the curtain drawn to separate us. They were waiting for the priest.”
Wow. There it is, all of it. The Yin and Yang, polarity, duality…cosmic balance…one dies, one lives…all in the same room. One rejoices, one grieves.
I have always attributed this sense of guilt for being alive to my sister’s jealously and anger that I was born. But it (my guilt) was so big it was difficult for me to rectify in my soul knowing my sister and feeling her pain not only at feeling like she lost her mom to me but pain over not being allowed to have a relationship with me. The guilt felt so much bigger.
My sister issue was the first reflection, the first ripple in what would turn out to be a life…46 years of trying to prove to God that s/he made the right choice that moment on September 18, 1966.
Every mistake, every time I inadvertently hurt someone or said the wrong thing or was too human in my mind was proof that God made the wrong choice. I felt it like a yoke over my shoulders and neck weighing me down…Prove yourself worthy! It screamed in my head. Save the world, fix broken humans, give yourself away…whatever it takes, prove that you are worthy to be alive, prove that God made the right choice! Save the seals! Save the children! Don’t eat meat! Don’t eat anything from animals…no one should have to suffer or sacrifice any more for you! Don’t be too important or rich or pretty or have nice things, you already got your reward. Don’t enjoy your body, you have not earned joy.
Everything comes back to this. This information gives my Dear John letter to money perspective. Money has traditionally been one of the ways that I have judged my worth as a Being. Which is why when I ask for something and get it, my body responds with intense neck, back and shoulder pain. And this is why all the chiropractic and massage (though they have served me beautifully through it) have never healed my chronic pain.
My pain was my payment. My dues for living.
Today is a new day. Today I affirm my life. I affirm my own choice to live and I affirm and thank the 2 Beings who chose to assist me in this lesson. The mom who lost her baby that day and the child who chose to die. I affirm our contract and consider it complete. I release you from any burden you may carry because of it.
I also release myself…from blame, from guilt, from shame…from the responsibility of that choice 46 years ago. I accept my life as a precious gift that I do not have to buy or earn. I am not only worthy of this life but this life is better because I am in it.
It took me 2 months to be able to publish this. Writing through the tears.
I am finally ready to be free.